new beginings...

pic from here















...the funniest -and most dear to me- were letters I got written on an envelope, discussing a frog woman with a friend I met more than 10 years ago in my hometown...just a random guy on a bike, who came from USA...
it's interesting how you just 'pick' some people without thinking how that friendship might or might not work... you just feel that you can call that someone a friend...

...new beginnings. new start points. with someone who keeps saying he wants to be a friend but when it comes to that he knows not how to be one.
due to someone else due to his lack of... what?

I treasure your gifts but the most I treasure moments with you. words shared. looks shared. I treasure you my dear friend. you. your soul. your words or just silence between us...
the understandings and agreements and awkward moments and honesty...

IT'S YOUR FRIENDS WHO MAKE YOUR WORLD.
they sure make my world far better place to be living in... we keep forgetting our friends. making excuses we need... we keep thinking we got all the time in the world... but we don't. maybe I wont be around tomorrow. maybe this is the last thing you're gonna read from me...

so moments count. each and every one of them... they matter. treasure your friends, you don't know when they'll be gone for good.
<3

when your differences make no difference

Kim Casali the author of these pic. simple.true.love.

all jumbled up in this festival feeling.but still kinda split in two.on one side I'm an addict of decorating and making the house look great and I love to buy gifts for people, wrap them up specially for everyone...
on the other side I can't help but think how this world keeps getting from bad to worse.how I am once again alone.single that is.

anyhow.enough of that.I am in love.despite the obstacles.and distances.and wrong words.and secret life.and broken harts.and messed up emotions.I LOVE YOU.
You make my soul smile.I love you coz your way of thinking makes me just wanna hold you. :)
I realized today.it makes no difference.there is one love only.true love.no need to fight.things happen the way you want them to.now I know what I want.I got my 2 years ahead plan.and it feels good.damn good.

truth.faith.low odds.impossible things.great distances.imagination.communication.love.my love.

maybe it's still the season and all making me emotional but who cares I love it.it makes me smile.it makes me happy.it makes me love you even more.as usual I know this will sound too messed up but I think it's pretty simple.no fake words.no fake smiles.no fake feelings.just simple fact.

the other day I heard it on the news, they asked bunch of kids what they want for New Year and this one cute little girl said: "I want a special bell that rings in the ear of everyone who believes in Santa"
sweet ha? ;) as children can be.as we all could be if we just remembered we were all kids and the most important things aren't money and good car and a house and all that material things...
I love my family.my friends.they are my world.and that's what matters.that's what keeps you alive.we are nothing but a little piece in this gigantic universe.but our love is what makes us great.

she

she stops. to listen. to understand what he wants her to say. what he wants her to do. she stops. takes a breath. convince herself that she's strong. she doesn't need this. she doesn't have to listen to this.
strong as she might be. reasons against her are too strong. reasons that break her are something she can't handle. despite the truth. despite her honesty. despite the endless love.
words are what breaks her. silent messages that come crawling down her spine. secret look that she doesn't even see. whispering voices.
blank image of someone she used to know. no matter where she is. no matter what she thinks. no matter what might be.
decisions are not hers to make. decisions are up to him. and him only.
what if she was not alone. what if there was another creature. what if questions would fade and leave behind definitions.

certain age

pic
when you come to my age (not so old, but even the fact that I can now actually say this line speaks for itself) finding a new love is bloody hard...
not because there isn't any (if, for a moment, we disregard the fact that everyone my age is either married, married with children, in a relationship or gay) but for the simple reason: YOURSELF
by now you already know what you can tolerate what you can't who you can live with and who you can't... you get picky (didn't consider that when you were younger and when you had a chance to be picky) and tired of same old bs pick-up lines and same ''wrong (read: little, not your type at all, silly) guys''

I in particular am a special kinda person... (now that sounds weird) but I am... I fall in love with someone and I can't imagine myself moving on to the next person so quickly...
my ex has no problem with that at all... the moment he got me out of his picture he found another person to fill my place... now...
this could be all different debate about how people need different means to get over somebody...but still...

don't a person you were with and whom you loved and cherished more than anyone deserve at least half a year (if not a year) to get over her? I would say so... so one can only assume this relationship was different for the both of us... I for once have gotten over him (still wondering if completely) after 2 years I think...and he - after a month? maybe not even that much... LONG STORY...(not really but let leave it to that)

it comes a day when all this reality gets to you, when all these 'perfect' people with their 'perfect' (*perfect: with partners, kids, job and a car)lives seem to get to you... seem to be like vultures flying on top of you waiting when you're going to slip and fall so they can get you into their little way of thinking...

do I want that? do I need that? why do I wish that? why do I feel I need that? why am I not like everyone else? why can I say no to a marriage? why do I love the one person that doesn't give a fuck about me?

when you get to my age all other seem to be more perfect for this life than I am. It feels like I am lost in some unique universe of my own and don't really want to come out. When you get out people love you for your way of thinking for your liberty, your freedom, your thoughts. When you are in nobody knows you nobody understands that little thing you call happiness...

Sick and tired of being back to basics. Back to baby steps. Back to finding out what love is. Back to first words. Back to first glimpse of love in each others eyes. Sick and tired of starting all over. When what I had was perfect enough for me.
So yes, I understand... one day you just freak out, marry the first person that comes along and pretend to be living a fairytale.

HAPPY END OR JUST LOSS OF PATIENCE AND WILL TO DEFY THE 'REAL LIFE'

riddle me this riddle me that... :)))

(photo from this page)

at this very moment I feel like a 4 year old... :) so this picture suits me... (a few? years older but similar dress...mine has stripes - like wrinkles LOL)
anyhow... it's hot like hell... but feels great! I LOVE SUMMER NIGHTS... :) and hot air, and sound of a guitar playing...
interesting friend (just added me on FB today...hope to become good friends) I got today -born on the same date as I am... :) ...interesting coz of the words he writes that make me feel great, that make me relive some moments, that inspires me...
in a funny mood...happy, cheerful... above the ground... :) floating on air of my imagination...

it's been a hard month... came to some conclusions, realized some truths?... and still not accepting some things... I believe I deserve the best and I think I know what is best... so it's just a matter of time this universe humors me :)
been feeling a void of some kind again... in my heart... in me... can't describe that feeling I never wanna feel... (but I know I will...sadly) it's scary, frightening, indescribable...
the most scary things in life and how a person from entirely different part of the world can understand and make u feel better (thank you Steffani) ;)

and I learn...things about me... my feelings...my actions... learn to control them... to describe them... to understand even?
sitting in my room...in the dark...just a light of the computer screen... thinking how cold shower would be of help... and wondering where are you... when you sleep I can't not think what you dream of...when you think I can't not think what you think of... ;)
communicating... again...and lacking the right words when I need them... you wouldn't give me a book if you didn't know about my mind... ;) I should avoid the sarcasm and metaphors... just plain truth would do... do what?

feel like spinning and dancing and singing... and dreaming and imagining and loving someone...

lipa moja...

gotta start with that...haven't got a proper title, so I use the ''just write down whatever comes to mind first'' method... ;)
lipa moja - my beautiful...
very nice words... seems like man are full of them... words that is... bs would be as appropriate at times but let's stick with words for now...;)
it's gonna be a long blog post... long in terms I gotta figure out how to write what I wanna say...
lack of words... from my side this time...
the absence of those from man... no need to emphasize that I guess...;)
my man... thought once I could go on without them...but I miss them more and more... crazy little thing... that gets you hooked on people... but the same people just don't wanna see ...me... and what I need from them...
why would they you'd ask... why should they care about me...
well it would be nice ...
words are not that much to ask I would say...

void

this is all wrong... can't be right... the distances between us... this void... absence of you... not you... aaaaaaah... your touch... your voice...
I know it'll all come out wrong... maybe even touch the wrong people... maybe even make you think it's all about you... but you'd be wrong...
it takes ages to know me... it takes infinity to know me... I don't let you... won't let you.. can't even... it's bigger than me... the darkness... the void in my soul... can't explain it... just feel it... and bloody well learned to hide it...
the distance between us is in your mind... hart knows no distances...

enemy out of me...

it's easy...you stop talking to me and that's it...simple as that... I don't like, no wait, I absolutely do not appreciate people who are unable to communicate, who shut them selves up in their own private little world and don't love you enough to speak up... and for me that's as low as you can go... the ignorance, the silence... that's probably the worst thing you can do to me...
and the reason I'm writing all this ... I had a busy morning... got in contact with some completely impossible people, and than got home to be greeted by this ignorance from someone I love the most... just coz he doesn't want to admit he needs help... us humans are such a stupid creatures... and this is not the solitary case... this happend to me before from the person you least expect it... but that's life...all ups and downs... and as bad as I try to be optimistic, I seem to notice I'm failing at that more over the years...

love love love...?

photo by
keep hearing people talk about love...maybe it's that time of the year, everyone is getting ready for winter, all so into that cuddly mood... or sth...
anyhow...let's say there's this guy... a friend... well considering the movie like scene how we met... hmm... there's gotta be sth about it.. not just this regular thing...you kinda run in to... no..this was special...had a thing... a moment... chemistry if you'd like... anyhow... he likes me... so he says... a lot even... and me... well...don't know.. don't have a clue what I want...
there are times when I would like him (someone actually) there next to me... there are times...lots of times when he can make me feel so much better with just a word or two... he's good with words... amazing... ow ya...did I mention younger? ...well ya... but in so many ways so much more mature than me...(well ok, I'm not some childish like spoiled brat...but still)
again I make no sense...and my girls... keep telling me to get him over here and start living with him... ow man...when did it all got so complicated and well... here we are again with life and the patterns it should run on...
do I fit in? can I handle this? do I wanna get into all this...running on track... maybe I like my sideways better...;)

man...women...

got me thinking just today... how great it is to be a woman... to wear sexy clothes, to make guys crazy... LOL ;) can't help it...but it's just awesome to have that much "power" ...as well as it is a curse... coz just sometimes you might end up hurting someone you wouldn't wanna hurt...

anyhow...got in bit of a dilemma this time... just when I think my traveling went well (well in terms of me being a good girl, not doing my regular 'go with the flow' stupid things) I end up - well ok, maybe not that much 'I' but let say universe has a funny way at making my life interesting...
anyhow... the last day... actually last few hours on my way back from my 10 days of rest and joy... I ended up in this...
lets say a triangle... ;)

kinda got 'involved' with this one guy... my cousin's ex... ya... I know...but before I'm put on the guillotine ... nothing happened... just spend a lot of time talking with him...live, over the phone... live again...over the phone again.... anyhow...
turns out this guy likes me...(what's not to like lol) and I wonder what to do...if anything at all...

besides we're so different...and so alike at some stuff...it's scary...and he fits into so many things I want from a guy...yet fails in so many others....

who would know if this is "love"... or maybe just some guy at the right time saying the right stuff... or maybe just a little spice from this grand universe to remind me things aren't always as (now I don't know) simple (or complicated) as I might think they are...

anyhow... funny universe

blaaaah

gotta wright some words... to make me feel better...or something...not that I'm not well ...just so... I don't like how world is run on two separate points of view... I don't like... no, forget that...I disapprove how things are looked at from male and from female point of view...wtf!!!
and I'm disappointed at man...and their stupid excuses... and the way love is looked at... I hate the way people think sometimes... so bloody old fashioned and conservative... so damn wrong...
and yes I know... who am I to say that's wrong... oh bloody hell...

my medicine

:) my medicine! yes, back home, spent an amazing 4 days in Bosnia, yes again Bosnia... I can't help it I love that country... love the way it can clear my mind, get me back in order, fill me up with energy... IT'S AMAZING...;)
can't wait to go there again... had so much fun with my family and with my crazy friends... spent amazing days with my little nice... beautiful little girl! :) got her hooked on my dog and now you can't get her away from it...;) my dog having 5 little puppies is one big plus point as well...;) I LOVED IT :)

I think about you a lot....

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I had a bad dream last night... a really bad one, someone tried to hurt me... so real... anyhow I woke up and first thing I could think of is writing an sms to a 'friend' of mine... ex bf actually... can't get myself away from thinking about him... seems like every little thing that happens to me, every little thing I feel...every little thing that cheers me up or puts me down I wanna share with him...
and I don't... it's just another stupid thing we people do... no wonder humans are so complicated...we can't even figure out ourselves and we wanna explore the world... and learn about it... I suck at this... I liked myself before... the quiet little thing, saving every little thought to her self...and than someone comes into your life and you learn to share your feelings, emotions, thoughts...
so many empty letters...and I can't seem to write down the right words.

I loved you once I needed protection....

JORDIN SPARKS - like a tattoo
No matter what you say about love, I keep coming back for more, My head in the fire,
Sooner or later I get what I'm asking for No matter what you say about life, I learn every time I bleed. The truth is a stranger My soul is in danger, I gotta let my spirit be free to, Admit that I was wrong and then change my mind. Sorry but I have to move on and leave you behind.
I can't waste time so give me the moment I realize nothing's broken No need to worry about everything I've done Lived every second like it was my last one. Don't look back got a new direction Loved you once, needed protection. You're still a part of everything I do, you're on my heart just like a tattoo, Just like a tattoo, I'll always have you. I'm sick of playing all of these games It's not about taking ties. When I look in the mirror, Didn't deliver It hurt enough to think that I could stop Admit that I'm wrong and then change my mind. Sorry but I gotta be strong and leave you behind I can't waste time so give me the moment I realize nothing's broken No need to worry about everything I've done Lived every second like it was my last one. Don't look back got a new direction Loved you once, needed protection You're still a part of everything I do, you're on my heart just like a tattoo, I'll always have you.
If I live every moment Won't change any moment Still a part of me and you. I will never regret you Still the memory of you Marks everything I do. I can't waste time so give me the moment I realize nothing's broken No need to worry about everything I've done Lived every second like it was my last one Don't look back got a new direction Loved you once, needed protection. You're still a part of everything I do, you're on my heart just like a tattoo. Just like a tattoo I'll always have you.

and big girls don't cry

you could say I'm a bit on my dark side these days... my good friend is somewhere on the other side of the world, my other best friends moved to their boyfriends... and I'm kinda stuck where I am... and all I can think about is how I wish I was there on this road trip with this friend of mine, or how I wish I was out there somewhere with someone who would love me... but than again... it all comes down to your friends and family at the end...and even your friends leave...so I guess ya...you end up alone as you were at the start, all this love and stuff around it it's just an illusion to keep you wrapped up in time... and no, I wouldn't say I'm depressed but sad would we be the right word...maybe...and for one thousandth time more I will use this line - I wish a had a camera inside my head, to film the things I feel, thoughts and pictures and memories...that I could just show to my friends...cause I can't go on explaining how I feel... so here it goes I give up on love... for good. And no, that's not just a line... I don't need to meet anyone else. My life if filled with good people. I miss my friends.

wicker park

I guess some people just need more time (ya, me being one of them) to realize some things...to understand some truths (or excuses)... and in all this time I've only been holding on to what we used to have... not wanting to move on...not wanting to face your truths... I saw this confusing movie.. I guess I realized I've been only wanting some truths of my own... you know how sometimes you fall in love with the near idea of love... not even considering the downsides of it all...the hell with the downsides... I don't believe in downsides of love...there are no...but that's another topic... anyhow...I'll stop writing right now, 'cause this will all sound even more confusing as it already is...
(I just opened winamp to listen to some music and the first song playing was this one- ''you don't know what it's like you don't know what it's like to love somebody... if I aint got you..'' To Love Somebody...and than there are no coincidence in life... the hell with it..)

anyhow this below is a song from this movie... Wicker Park and Coldplay- the scientist

Come up to meet ya, tell you I'm sorry You don't know how lovely you are
I had to find you, tell you I need ya And tell you I set you apart
Tell me your secrets, and nurse me your questions Oh lets go back to the start
Running in circles, coming in tails Heads on a science apart
Nobody said it was easy It's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy No one ever said it would be this hard
Oh take me back to the start I was just guessing at numbers and figures
Pulling the puzzles apart Questions of science, science and progress
Do not speak as loud as my heart And tell me you love me, come back and haunt me
Oh and I rush to the start Running in circles, chasing tails
Coming back as we are Nobody said it was easy Oh it's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy No one ever said it would be so hard I'm going back to the start

love visualDNA

click on the title or here
this is my way of looking at things...let's say I agree with it in most of the part...it's an interesting test about you...how you love... and how you feel about love... it does make sense...;)

....

picture

you know how sometimes... well most of the times... everything bad happens at once... and I kinda figured out that Febrary is my worst month... seems like in the past few years every bad thing happening happened in February...
and it's supposed to be a good month- my b-day and all...but I guess sometimes universe doesn't really give a shit what I think...
anyhow I need to learn to listen to myself...I keep forgetting that lately... but it's weird how everything bad that's about to happen I kinda know about it... it comes out as a known fact and not as a surprise... and I hate it sometimes...that everything I think just find it's way to happen...
does this make sense?
and all of my friends are sure my life will work out fine... this one friend wrote me the other day that she knows that my life will be good and that she doesn't worry for me cause I have (she says) this positive energy that wont let me fail...
and I don't know what to think...
I have so much doubt in my mind... I don't even know who I'm supposed to be... and they're all sure I'll be fine...
how can I be fine, when nothing I believe in works in this life... my best friend would probably say I should ''Practice what I preach'' but at the moment... I'm not sure I can preach...
I'm not turning into a negative person or whatsoever... people take too much positive energy away lately... maybe that's the problem... I let others hurt me...
It doesn't hurt when I bleed, but my memories... they eat me

unconditional love

ya, I guess I had to learn it the hard way... but it's true... there is no unconditional love... it doesn't exist between a man and a woman - in a relationship... none what so ever... (ok, only in some rare cases...)
I am convinced now... there is love- the kind that gives you something... the kind you can be sure you can gain something from...
and there is no unconditional love in long distance relationships... well, in my case at least... actually no... I believe there is... but no one else does so it's kinda pointless to think that can work...if only one side is ready to do all that it takes...
anyhow... I'm posting a picture of my Bobi- little cactus... in some weird way it's growing... 2...
and yes, I realize this has no sense... just some words put out here... but so does nothing else right now....

patchwork

My first and only so far... I started making it years ago...but never really got to finish it... so today I decided it was about time I finish it... and here it is...my first patchwork... I love it...it's far from perfect...but it's made out of pieces of my favorite clothes -back from when I was a little child...so that makes it even more special for me...anyhow... I LOVE IT.