she

she stops. to listen. to understand what he wants her to say. what he wants her to do. she stops. takes a breath. convince herself that she's strong. she doesn't need this. she doesn't have to listen to this.
strong as she might be. reasons against her are too strong. reasons that break her are something she can't handle. despite the truth. despite her honesty. despite the endless love.
words are what breaks her. silent messages that come crawling down her spine. secret look that she doesn't even see. whispering voices.
blank image of someone she used to know. no matter where she is. no matter what she thinks. no matter what might be.
decisions are not hers to make. decisions are up to him. and him only.
what if she was not alone. what if there was another creature. what if questions would fade and leave behind definitions.

certain age

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when you come to my age (not so old, but even the fact that I can now actually say this line speaks for itself) finding a new love is bloody hard...
not because there isn't any (if, for a moment, we disregard the fact that everyone my age is either married, married with children, in a relationship or gay) but for the simple reason: YOURSELF
by now you already know what you can tolerate what you can't who you can live with and who you can't... you get picky (didn't consider that when you were younger and when you had a chance to be picky) and tired of same old bs pick-up lines and same ''wrong (read: little, not your type at all, silly) guys''

I in particular am a special kinda person... (now that sounds weird) but I am... I fall in love with someone and I can't imagine myself moving on to the next person so quickly...
my ex has no problem with that at all... the moment he got me out of his picture he found another person to fill my place... now...
this could be all different debate about how people need different means to get over somebody...but still...

don't a person you were with and whom you loved and cherished more than anyone deserve at least half a year (if not a year) to get over her? I would say so... so one can only assume this relationship was different for the both of us... I for once have gotten over him (still wondering if completely) after 2 years I think...and he - after a month? maybe not even that much... LONG STORY...(not really but let leave it to that)

it comes a day when all this reality gets to you, when all these 'perfect' people with their 'perfect' (*perfect: with partners, kids, job and a car)lives seem to get to you... seem to be like vultures flying on top of you waiting when you're going to slip and fall so they can get you into their little way of thinking...

do I want that? do I need that? why do I wish that? why do I feel I need that? why am I not like everyone else? why can I say no to a marriage? why do I love the one person that doesn't give a fuck about me?

when you get to my age all other seem to be more perfect for this life than I am. It feels like I am lost in some unique universe of my own and don't really want to come out. When you get out people love you for your way of thinking for your liberty, your freedom, your thoughts. When you are in nobody knows you nobody understands that little thing you call happiness...

Sick and tired of being back to basics. Back to baby steps. Back to finding out what love is. Back to first words. Back to first glimpse of love in each others eyes. Sick and tired of starting all over. When what I had was perfect enough for me.
So yes, I understand... one day you just freak out, marry the first person that comes along and pretend to be living a fairytale.

HAPPY END OR JUST LOSS OF PATIENCE AND WILL TO DEFY THE 'REAL LIFE'

riddle me this riddle me that... :)))

(photo from this page)

at this very moment I feel like a 4 year old... :) so this picture suits me... (a few? years older but similar dress...mine has stripes - like wrinkles LOL)
anyhow... it's hot like hell... but feels great! I LOVE SUMMER NIGHTS... :) and hot air, and sound of a guitar playing...
interesting friend (just added me on FB today...hope to become good friends) I got today -born on the same date as I am... :) ...interesting coz of the words he writes that make me feel great, that make me relive some moments, that inspires me...
in a funny mood...happy, cheerful... above the ground... :) floating on air of my imagination...

it's been a hard month... came to some conclusions, realized some truths?... and still not accepting some things... I believe I deserve the best and I think I know what is best... so it's just a matter of time this universe humors me :)
been feeling a void of some kind again... in my heart... in me... can't describe that feeling I never wanna feel... (but I know I will...sadly) it's scary, frightening, indescribable...
the most scary things in life and how a person from entirely different part of the world can understand and make u feel better (thank you Steffani) ;)

and I learn...things about me... my feelings...my actions... learn to control them... to describe them... to understand even?
sitting in my room...in the dark...just a light of the computer screen... thinking how cold shower would be of help... and wondering where are you... when you sleep I can't not think what you dream of...when you think I can't not think what you think of... ;)
communicating... again...and lacking the right words when I need them... you wouldn't give me a book if you didn't know about my mind... ;) I should avoid the sarcasm and metaphors... just plain truth would do... do what?

feel like spinning and dancing and singing... and dreaming and imagining and loving someone...

festival time

photo by: UROŠ












it's approaching... the 13th festival Zmaj'ma mlade in my hometown... proud to say I was among the first enthusiasts trying to make this festival a reality...
and again this year shocked (not shocked, but disgusted/ashamed/sad)that our local community doesn't allow the festival to be held in a town square... - you couldn't wish for a better place... perfect, empty, big... and in the center of the town... the kinda square that just asks for concerts and events for the masses...
but no...our locals decided the festival should be far away from the center, god forbid if some events should take place in the center... and this is supposed to be a tourist town... perfect destination for vacation, relaxation, full of events to offer for the tourists...
first they pay big amount of money to build a square that has a lot of space, that would be great for gatherings and events and then they don't allow the only real event, that still keeps this town in some cultural aspect, to be in that same center, but should instead be at the parking lot... ??? logic???!!
I wish for once they could see that people want action, people want this town to be alive, to be living...people want this town to be the tourist town everyone speaks about, not just a vain image of what it's supposed to be...
I appeal to you all to make some comments about this...to show people we want the festival to be returned to the center of the town, not be pushed away at the parking lot...
you can support the festival as well on facebook; Zmaj'ma mlade

:sigh

I must be stupid? or sth...but I don't seem to understand your behavior...is that the way to treat someone you used to know/love...perhaps I'm still too naive for this world... perhaps I still can't figure you out...or maybe I just don't get what's so hard in talking to me? aren't words sth you do best...aren't words sth we used to be good at...
bizarre ...these things happening to me and you...used to be friends...now?? you pretend you don't know me? or what?
gotta get myself to some other version of this life...coz I can't seem to understand this version of it.

there are little sparkles in my life... little cracks that let some interesting people to impress me...to trigger that wicked part of me that makes me think/talk even more... but than again these are just cracks... little things that happen and vanish as fast as they appear...

and I can't seem to move on from this place...I can't seem to figure out what it is I want to change... not so true- I know what I want to change, just don't know how to deal with it... life and it's consequences...
and this country of ours... but... it seems all has been put to a stop for the period of the football world cup... politicians and their business - put stuff to a complete brake down, mess everything up as much as you can and than allow the masses to organize football world cup so little people would focus on the game, rather than on the things politicians f****** up...

what it all comes down to...

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it all comes down to this... big fancy car, a husband/wife, children... is this all you would wanna chase in life... I'm not complaining... just making a point... does it really comes down to this... so you can be one complete person... unless you got all this there's sth wrong with you...seriously wrong...
and it gets me thinking... how far away I am from all this... and what the hell is wrong with me... do I really want a great car(btw - I put on Mustang - my personal favorite - but I'm sure what counts for great car now days is some white (white??!!) audi, bmw or sth like that... ok, children I wouldn't mind... I love children -the only ones that tell you the truth as it is...they don't wrap it up in some shiny paper...as us 'grown ups' like to do... what are we so afraid of... the truth is not so scary... it should make you feel better...it should make your heart feel better and yet we hide it like it's some kinda... hmmmm don't even know what...
me and my big mouth... there are times when I should just shut the f... up...(specially after I had a big beer) but than I come to think why?... isn't it sad that you can be a friend to someone one day and the next morning you just feel you need to ignore that person... for some selfish reason you once did? for the sake of you? for the sake of that person? for...? what?...
...run into one of my ex the other day... it felt nice... calming... sweet... :)
what does it all come down to?... silence..absence... of love, truth, words, conversation, imagination, peace of mind, friends?

lipa moja...

gotta start with that...haven't got a proper title, so I use the ''just write down whatever comes to mind first'' method... ;)
lipa moja - my beautiful...
very nice words... seems like man are full of them... words that is... bs would be as appropriate at times but let's stick with words for now...;)
it's gonna be a long blog post... long in terms I gotta figure out how to write what I wanna say...
lack of words... from my side this time...
the absence of those from man... no need to emphasize that I guess...;)
my man... thought once I could go on without them...but I miss them more and more... crazy little thing... that gets you hooked on people... but the same people just don't wanna see ...me... and what I need from them...
why would they you'd ask... why should they care about me...
well it would be nice ...
words are not that much to ask I would say...

void

this is all wrong... can't be right... the distances between us... this void... absence of you... not you... aaaaaaah... your touch... your voice...
I know it'll all come out wrong... maybe even touch the wrong people... maybe even make you think it's all about you... but you'd be wrong...
it takes ages to know me... it takes infinity to know me... I don't let you... won't let you.. can't even... it's bigger than me... the darkness... the void in my soul... can't explain it... just feel it... and bloody well learned to hide it...
the distance between us is in your mind... hart knows no distances...

enemy out of me...

it's easy...you stop talking to me and that's it...simple as that... I don't like, no wait, I absolutely do not appreciate people who are unable to communicate, who shut them selves up in their own private little world and don't love you enough to speak up... and for me that's as low as you can go... the ignorance, the silence... that's probably the worst thing you can do to me...
and the reason I'm writing all this ... I had a busy morning... got in contact with some completely impossible people, and than got home to be greeted by this ignorance from someone I love the most... just coz he doesn't want to admit he needs help... us humans are such a stupid creatures... and this is not the solitary case... this happend to me before from the person you least expect it... but that's life...all ups and downs... and as bad as I try to be optimistic, I seem to notice I'm failing at that more over the years...

night in

I am color... blind... in my dreams full of nothingness... what am I ...why am I... it's gotta be the 'weirdest' part of my life when I don't have a clue how or why or for what am I here for... it can't be you... you're not like this...this will pass...this is just a moment... this is just my life... the dream I have yet to be woken from... whatever... won't even make sense... won't even mean anything to you... why would it... how can you know... I don't even know...
beginning to understand my friend... this part of the year makes me depressive... and I wondered why... when there are so many nice things... it makes sense now...for now... for this second of sanity...

love love love...?

photo by
keep hearing people talk about love...maybe it's that time of the year, everyone is getting ready for winter, all so into that cuddly mood... or sth...
anyhow...let's say there's this guy... a friend... well considering the movie like scene how we met... hmm... there's gotta be sth about it.. not just this regular thing...you kinda run in to... no..this was special...had a thing... a moment... chemistry if you'd like... anyhow... he likes me... so he says... a lot even... and me... well...don't know.. don't have a clue what I want...
there are times when I would like him (someone actually) there next to me... there are times...lots of times when he can make me feel so much better with just a word or two... he's good with words... amazing... ow ya...did I mention younger? ...well ya... but in so many ways so much more mature than me...(well ok, I'm not some childish like spoiled brat...but still)
again I make no sense...and my girls... keep telling me to get him over here and start living with him... ow man...when did it all got so complicated and well... here we are again with life and the patterns it should run on...
do I fit in? can I handle this? do I wanna get into all this...running on track... maybe I like my sideways better...;)

I'm free.... free fallin...

got my moments... of weakness I guess... when I don't feel at all like myself... all cheered up...happy...smiling... got my mind messed up lately... with all the things I want...all the things that are happening... all the stuff that are said to me...
I know I'm not the only one... feeling this way... but still it feels like it... like I don't have anyone... none at all...

man...women...

got me thinking just today... how great it is to be a woman... to wear sexy clothes, to make guys crazy... LOL ;) can't help it...but it's just awesome to have that much "power" ...as well as it is a curse... coz just sometimes you might end up hurting someone you wouldn't wanna hurt...

anyhow...got in bit of a dilemma this time... just when I think my traveling went well (well in terms of me being a good girl, not doing my regular 'go with the flow' stupid things) I end up - well ok, maybe not that much 'I' but let say universe has a funny way at making my life interesting...
anyhow... the last day... actually last few hours on my way back from my 10 days of rest and joy... I ended up in this...
lets say a triangle... ;)

kinda got 'involved' with this one guy... my cousin's ex... ya... I know...but before I'm put on the guillotine ... nothing happened... just spend a lot of time talking with him...live, over the phone... live again...over the phone again.... anyhow...
turns out this guy likes me...(what's not to like lol) and I wonder what to do...if anything at all...

besides we're so different...and so alike at some stuff...it's scary...and he fits into so many things I want from a guy...yet fails in so many others....

who would know if this is "love"... or maybe just some guy at the right time saying the right stuff... or maybe just a little spice from this grand universe to remind me things aren't always as (now I don't know) simple (or complicated) as I might think they are...

anyhow... funny universe

future????

it's ridiculous how every single person you meet and talk to just keeps doing stuff and worries about their future... wtf!! ok, now there are two explanations:
1. it could be I'm just bitching because I haven't been abroad for over than 2 months now...or
2. I'm getting fed up with people only concerned about their future and forgetting to live

So let's say I'll go with the second one... are we such a stupid little creatures or is it really that only thing that matters the most is your future?! I hate that kinda running towards something that just might not even exist... and in the mean while we keep forgetting the one thing we're here for... TO LIVE OUR LIVES NOW... but who cares about now, when all that we worry is what kinda pension will we have, where will we live, what kinda car will we drive, what will our children do...
it seems absurd to worry about all that and neglect your friends, forget about your free time (what free time, right?!) ...

what is this world coming to?
btw.. if you haven't already... you absolutely MUST see a movie called
Mating habits of the earthbound human

blaaaah

gotta wright some words... to make me feel better...or something...not that I'm not well ...just so... I don't like how world is run on two separate points of view... I don't like... no, forget that...I disapprove how things are looked at from male and from female point of view...wtf!!!
and I'm disappointed at man...and their stupid excuses... and the way love is looked at... I hate the way people think sometimes... so bloody old fashioned and conservative... so damn wrong...
and yes I know... who am I to say that's wrong... oh bloody hell...

starway to heaven

Yes, there are two paths you can go by, but in the long run
There's still time to change the road you're on.
And it makes me wonder.

can't get this song out of my head... today we buried a dear friend... too young... but there's nothing we can do about it...
what a way to end a year... I think this was the worst ''going into a new year'' for us... for my brother, my family, his family, friends...

can't find the right words to say it all...

my medicine

:) my medicine! yes, back home, spent an amazing 4 days in Bosnia, yes again Bosnia... I can't help it I love that country... love the way it can clear my mind, get me back in order, fill me up with energy... IT'S AMAZING...;)
can't wait to go there again... had so much fun with my family and with my crazy friends... spent amazing days with my little nice... beautiful little girl! :) got her hooked on my dog and now you can't get her away from it...;) my dog having 5 little puppies is one big plus point as well...;) I LOVED IT :)

I think about you a lot....

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I had a bad dream last night... a really bad one, someone tried to hurt me... so real... anyhow I woke up and first thing I could think of is writing an sms to a 'friend' of mine... ex bf actually... can't get myself away from thinking about him... seems like every little thing that happens to me, every little thing I feel...every little thing that cheers me up or puts me down I wanna share with him...
and I don't... it's just another stupid thing we people do... no wonder humans are so complicated...we can't even figure out ourselves and we wanna explore the world... and learn about it... I suck at this... I liked myself before... the quiet little thing, saving every little thought to her self...and than someone comes into your life and you learn to share your feelings, emotions, thoughts...
so many empty letters...and I can't seem to write down the right words.

"lately I can't seem to colour what we've lost...."

(picture)

lately it seems like every single thing I do or say is not good enough... sick of them letting their problems on me... tired of home... can't wait to go to my little piece of heaven on this planet... just gotta live through another week or so...
hope I last... I'll try to stay as quiet as I can... so it all passes me by...so I kinda vanish from their fears, problems, ...
and the weather isn't helping either...

we are perfect

(picture from this site)
I'm gonna write this post for a friend of mine... I ended up laughing my ass off tonight just by reading what my friend and I were talking about... anyhow what I wanna say... yes, my dear friend WE ARE PERFECT, perfect individuals who have some kinda clue what we don't wanna do... ya, still figuring out what we would love to do...but I'm sure we're not that far away from that...and if we are even better, life is about traveling, discovering, learning along the way ...;)
so, don't worry, we are perfect just the way we are... no sane person could ever be like this! and have so much fun... and so many down points and so many funny stories to tell... and I'm so glad I know you! :)