new beginings...

pic from here















...the funniest -and most dear to me- were letters I got written on an envelope, discussing a frog woman with a friend I met more than 10 years ago in my hometown...just a random guy on a bike, who came from USA...
it's interesting how you just 'pick' some people without thinking how that friendship might or might not work... you just feel that you can call that someone a friend...

...new beginnings. new start points. with someone who keeps saying he wants to be a friend but when it comes to that he knows not how to be one.
due to someone else due to his lack of... what?

I treasure your gifts but the most I treasure moments with you. words shared. looks shared. I treasure you my dear friend. you. your soul. your words or just silence between us...
the understandings and agreements and awkward moments and honesty...

IT'S YOUR FRIENDS WHO MAKE YOUR WORLD.
they sure make my world far better place to be living in... we keep forgetting our friends. making excuses we need... we keep thinking we got all the time in the world... but we don't. maybe I wont be around tomorrow. maybe this is the last thing you're gonna read from me...

so moments count. each and every one of them... they matter. treasure your friends, you don't know when they'll be gone for good.
<3

when your differences make no difference

Kim Casali the author of these pic. simple.true.love.

all jumbled up in this festival feeling.but still kinda split in two.on one side I'm an addict of decorating and making the house look great and I love to buy gifts for people, wrap them up specially for everyone...
on the other side I can't help but think how this world keeps getting from bad to worse.how I am once again alone.single that is.

anyhow.enough of that.I am in love.despite the obstacles.and distances.and wrong words.and secret life.and broken harts.and messed up emotions.I LOVE YOU.
You make my soul smile.I love you coz your way of thinking makes me just wanna hold you. :)
I realized today.it makes no difference.there is one love only.true love.no need to fight.things happen the way you want them to.now I know what I want.I got my 2 years ahead plan.and it feels good.damn good.

truth.faith.low odds.impossible things.great distances.imagination.communication.love.my love.

maybe it's still the season and all making me emotional but who cares I love it.it makes me smile.it makes me happy.it makes me love you even more.as usual I know this will sound too messed up but I think it's pretty simple.no fake words.no fake smiles.no fake feelings.just simple fact.

the other day I heard it on the news, they asked bunch of kids what they want for New Year and this one cute little girl said: "I want a special bell that rings in the ear of everyone who believes in Santa"
sweet ha? ;) as children can be.as we all could be if we just remembered we were all kids and the most important things aren't money and good car and a house and all that material things...
I love my family.my friends.they are my world.and that's what matters.that's what keeps you alive.we are nothing but a little piece in this gigantic universe.but our love is what makes us great.

day 1, day 2, day 3, day 4....(dan prvi, dan drugi, dan treci, dan cetvrti...)

"we don't talk for days for months it often happens and I'm not surprised. He's like a painting by Kandinski, I'm like Picasso's Guernica. And yet.. what I like about him...his ''vision'' ..."
thought of this great old Italian song...Neapolitan song actually...can't remember the title... so I went to my Inbox-trying to find it there... and all found were some emails I should have deleted... (still I think I need to keep them) ...found some diaries you used to write to me... sweet little thing... simple words...
emails, memories...words...endless words that meant sth...that meant a WORLD... it's funny how everyone is the same... all the empty words ppl say and write... (I know these weren't just empty words, but the actions of today make them feel empty)
me...the naive one...still have this idea that things can be OK... that FRIENDS don't just forget you, erase you, replace you...
for whose sake am I running in circles... he wont care... (even if he does care, he doesn't and will NEVER show it) ... toxicity. fear. simplicity. tears. pride. other ppl. could go on and on naming the reasons/excuses...
it's all so god damn simple.. so simple it hurts... so simple I can't expect ppl to understand... all of us so hooked on complicating things... you should be simple. you are. you don't complicate things. and yet. you do. I do.
I wish I was born in a different time on a different place. than I'd fit into the simple things. now I'm one big complication.
(this blog never seems to be good for anyone else but me)
I send you a song - you think I want sth... how about you just think of sth else for once...I think you're afraid of yourself...and you avoid me for that reason.
addicted to WORDS. and the lack of them kills me slowly every day. you can't understand I know you can't. but I know. I keep loosing ...my friend. lost. not even lost... but taken.

she

she stops. to listen. to understand what he wants her to say. what he wants her to do. she stops. takes a breath. convince herself that she's strong. she doesn't need this. she doesn't have to listen to this.
strong as she might be. reasons against her are too strong. reasons that break her are something she can't handle. despite the truth. despite her honesty. despite the endless love.
words are what breaks her. silent messages that come crawling down her spine. secret look that she doesn't even see. whispering voices.
blank image of someone she used to know. no matter where she is. no matter what she thinks. no matter what might be.
decisions are not hers to make. decisions are up to him. and him only.
what if she was not alone. what if there was another creature. what if questions would fade and leave behind definitions.

certain age

pic
when you come to my age (not so old, but even the fact that I can now actually say this line speaks for itself) finding a new love is bloody hard...
not because there isn't any (if, for a moment, we disregard the fact that everyone my age is either married, married with children, in a relationship or gay) but for the simple reason: YOURSELF
by now you already know what you can tolerate what you can't who you can live with and who you can't... you get picky (didn't consider that when you were younger and when you had a chance to be picky) and tired of same old bs pick-up lines and same ''wrong (read: little, not your type at all, silly) guys''

I in particular am a special kinda person... (now that sounds weird) but I am... I fall in love with someone and I can't imagine myself moving on to the next person so quickly...
my ex has no problem with that at all... the moment he got me out of his picture he found another person to fill my place... now...
this could be all different debate about how people need different means to get over somebody...but still...

don't a person you were with and whom you loved and cherished more than anyone deserve at least half a year (if not a year) to get over her? I would say so... so one can only assume this relationship was different for the both of us... I for once have gotten over him (still wondering if completely) after 2 years I think...and he - after a month? maybe not even that much... LONG STORY...(not really but let leave it to that)

it comes a day when all this reality gets to you, when all these 'perfect' people with their 'perfect' (*perfect: with partners, kids, job and a car)lives seem to get to you... seem to be like vultures flying on top of you waiting when you're going to slip and fall so they can get you into their little way of thinking...

do I want that? do I need that? why do I wish that? why do I feel I need that? why am I not like everyone else? why can I say no to a marriage? why do I love the one person that doesn't give a fuck about me?

when you get to my age all other seem to be more perfect for this life than I am. It feels like I am lost in some unique universe of my own and don't really want to come out. When you get out people love you for your way of thinking for your liberty, your freedom, your thoughts. When you are in nobody knows you nobody understands that little thing you call happiness...

Sick and tired of being back to basics. Back to baby steps. Back to finding out what love is. Back to first words. Back to first glimpse of love in each others eyes. Sick and tired of starting all over. When what I had was perfect enough for me.
So yes, I understand... one day you just freak out, marry the first person that comes along and pretend to be living a fairytale.

HAPPY END OR JUST LOSS OF PATIENCE AND WILL TO DEFY THE 'REAL LIFE'

riddle me this riddle me that... :)))

(photo from this page)

at this very moment I feel like a 4 year old... :) so this picture suits me... (a few? years older but similar dress...mine has stripes - like wrinkles LOL)
anyhow... it's hot like hell... but feels great! I LOVE SUMMER NIGHTS... :) and hot air, and sound of a guitar playing...
interesting friend (just added me on FB today...hope to become good friends) I got today -born on the same date as I am... :) ...interesting coz of the words he writes that make me feel great, that make me relive some moments, that inspires me...
in a funny mood...happy, cheerful... above the ground... :) floating on air of my imagination...

it's been a hard month... came to some conclusions, realized some truths?... and still not accepting some things... I believe I deserve the best and I think I know what is best... so it's just a matter of time this universe humors me :)
been feeling a void of some kind again... in my heart... in me... can't describe that feeling I never wanna feel... (but I know I will...sadly) it's scary, frightening, indescribable...
the most scary things in life and how a person from entirely different part of the world can understand and make u feel better (thank you Steffani) ;)

and I learn...things about me... my feelings...my actions... learn to control them... to describe them... to understand even?
sitting in my room...in the dark...just a light of the computer screen... thinking how cold shower would be of help... and wondering where are you... when you sleep I can't not think what you dream of...when you think I can't not think what you think of... ;)
communicating... again...and lacking the right words when I need them... you wouldn't give me a book if you didn't know about my mind... ;) I should avoid the sarcasm and metaphors... just plain truth would do... do what?

feel like spinning and dancing and singing... and dreaming and imagining and loving someone...

festival time

photo by: UROŠ












it's approaching... the 13th festival Zmaj'ma mlade in my hometown... proud to say I was among the first enthusiasts trying to make this festival a reality...
and again this year shocked (not shocked, but disgusted/ashamed/sad)that our local community doesn't allow the festival to be held in a town square... - you couldn't wish for a better place... perfect, empty, big... and in the center of the town... the kinda square that just asks for concerts and events for the masses...
but no...our locals decided the festival should be far away from the center, god forbid if some events should take place in the center... and this is supposed to be a tourist town... perfect destination for vacation, relaxation, full of events to offer for the tourists...
first they pay big amount of money to build a square that has a lot of space, that would be great for gatherings and events and then they don't allow the only real event, that still keeps this town in some cultural aspect, to be in that same center, but should instead be at the parking lot... ??? logic???!!
I wish for once they could see that people want action, people want this town to be alive, to be living...people want this town to be the tourist town everyone speaks about, not just a vain image of what it's supposed to be...
I appeal to you all to make some comments about this...to show people we want the festival to be returned to the center of the town, not be pushed away at the parking lot...
you can support the festival as well on facebook; Zmaj'ma mlade

:sigh

I must be stupid? or sth...but I don't seem to understand your behavior...is that the way to treat someone you used to know/love...perhaps I'm still too naive for this world... perhaps I still can't figure you out...or maybe I just don't get what's so hard in talking to me? aren't words sth you do best...aren't words sth we used to be good at...
bizarre ...these things happening to me and you...used to be friends...now?? you pretend you don't know me? or what?
gotta get myself to some other version of this life...coz I can't seem to understand this version of it.

there are little sparkles in my life... little cracks that let some interesting people to impress me...to trigger that wicked part of me that makes me think/talk even more... but than again these are just cracks... little things that happen and vanish as fast as they appear...

and I can't seem to move on from this place...I can't seem to figure out what it is I want to change... not so true- I know what I want to change, just don't know how to deal with it... life and it's consequences...
and this country of ours... but... it seems all has been put to a stop for the period of the football world cup... politicians and their business - put stuff to a complete brake down, mess everything up as much as you can and than allow the masses to organize football world cup so little people would focus on the game, rather than on the things politicians f****** up...

what it all comes down to...

pic

it all comes down to this... big fancy car, a husband/wife, children... is this all you would wanna chase in life... I'm not complaining... just making a point... does it really comes down to this... so you can be one complete person... unless you got all this there's sth wrong with you...seriously wrong...
and it gets me thinking... how far away I am from all this... and what the hell is wrong with me... do I really want a great car(btw - I put on Mustang - my personal favorite - but I'm sure what counts for great car now days is some white (white??!!) audi, bmw or sth like that... ok, children I wouldn't mind... I love children -the only ones that tell you the truth as it is...they don't wrap it up in some shiny paper...as us 'grown ups' like to do... what are we so afraid of... the truth is not so scary... it should make you feel better...it should make your heart feel better and yet we hide it like it's some kinda... hmmmm don't even know what...
me and my big mouth... there are times when I should just shut the f... up...(specially after I had a big beer) but than I come to think why?... isn't it sad that you can be a friend to someone one day and the next morning you just feel you need to ignore that person... for some selfish reason you once did? for the sake of you? for the sake of that person? for...? what?...
...run into one of my ex the other day... it felt nice... calming... sweet... :)
what does it all come down to?... silence..absence... of love, truth, words, conversation, imagination, peace of mind, friends?

lipa moja...

gotta start with that...haven't got a proper title, so I use the ''just write down whatever comes to mind first'' method... ;)
lipa moja - my beautiful...
very nice words... seems like man are full of them... words that is... bs would be as appropriate at times but let's stick with words for now...;)
it's gonna be a long blog post... long in terms I gotta figure out how to write what I wanna say...
lack of words... from my side this time...
the absence of those from man... no need to emphasize that I guess...;)
my man... thought once I could go on without them...but I miss them more and more... crazy little thing... that gets you hooked on people... but the same people just don't wanna see ...me... and what I need from them...
why would they you'd ask... why should they care about me...
well it would be nice ...
words are not that much to ask I would say...

void

this is all wrong... can't be right... the distances between us... this void... absence of you... not you... aaaaaaah... your touch... your voice...
I know it'll all come out wrong... maybe even touch the wrong people... maybe even make you think it's all about you... but you'd be wrong...
it takes ages to know me... it takes infinity to know me... I don't let you... won't let you.. can't even... it's bigger than me... the darkness... the void in my soul... can't explain it... just feel it... and bloody well learned to hide it...
the distance between us is in your mind... hart knows no distances...