can't you see my world is crumbling....

...can't even imagine how I can start to write about this...my world is crumbling... and at the same time I know her world is crumbling even more.nothing to do.nowhere to go.no one to talk about.if I could.turn back time.erase some people.make some people communicate.if I could.but I can't.I can't even make them feel any better.I can't fix their lives.I can't do anything.but write.and cry.and hope things will work out.and hope they'll will come to their senses.and hope they'll will start talking.and hope everything will be fine.

can't you see...
my world is crumbling...

you can't see.you don't care.even if you could see.hate this life sometimes.hate the actions people do.without thinking.without considering others.I hate people.above all.I do.hate people.and feelings.

I wanna start the conversation.I want to start the debate.but I can't.I can't get myself to that.to loosing them.and yet I know I will have to do it. just don't know where I'll end up.if I will still exit.after.even now I'm fading with every single day.I'm loosing myself.my heart.my soul.my days. I'm breaking down in pieces.

keep calm

probably shouldn't write. so that's why it takes so long. keep thinking of you. again. and again. and again. and again. (right now my friend would kill me coz I still do) still can't understand. even now. when you are just some stranger (u choose to be) still can't comprehend. what happened. (now I lie)
the differences between us make no difference. in love. in hate - they do. in love nothing does. maybe hate is a bit harsh... maybe not. depends who's talking to you. I'm sure she'd agree. can't believe I don't like her coz you're being stupid. hate myself coz of that. hate myself for being the one that keeps thinking about all of this like it used to mean something.

it's a few things that bother me. that keep me getting to my knees. that keep putting me down. few little things wrapped in a golden package. trying to look good. behave now. if you can. if you must. you must. you need to. so people don't get hurt. who cares about hurt. who cares about people. who cares about you.

I gotta be out of my mind. still I feel perfectly fine.the differences between how people treat me and you. the differences. damn differences. love them and hate them at the same time.

just gotta get out of here.leave this place unpacked. leave no trace. make no difference. do nothing wrong. (pretty late for that now although...) listening to music. loosing my mind in that loud rhythm. the louder the better. so I can't hear my thoughts. it works for awhile. it works for that little period of time when I'm not me. when I'm not here. where I don't exit. I sees to be.

lonely day. despite the sun. despite the words. I'm good at words. growing to hate them. growing not to use them ever. not anymore. what good do they bring. what good do they do. meaningless and forgetful.

jealousy

probably should have posted another photo. but than a certain someone would think I'm too obvious and attacking him AGAIN. (like I'm constantly making up plans how to ruin? his life)
anyhow. got to this debate with my good friend today. how people don't understand (it's more don't want to) that women and man can be JUST friends. I fail to understand those who think that's impossible. it would make all my friendship with man - meaningless. if I don't use some other word to describe it.
I don't understand how someone can be jealous at someones friend.which brings out another point. trust. in my mind it's simple. you love someone. you trust someone. you let that someone have his/hers friends. or the exact opposite. no middle way. no gray area.
again. walking in circles. not touching the issue. having trouble accepting someones behavior. someones reactions? someones attitude towards me. yes.that would make me think - what's wrong with me? but it's not me with the issues. I have my facts straight. you and I can be friends. you and I could be friends. you and I are not friends coz of her.simple as that. now she must be doing something (will not go to details) bloody good or she would never get that privilege of telling you who you can and can't be friends with. now take this as you want. you know it's true. I know it's true. I think it sucks. you accept it. I don't tolerate jealousy ever. you do. another difference between you and me.true. we're not made for one another.
:P

thought came across my mind. (maybe) you're just using her as an excuse. chicken.

the beggining...will follow

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so as for the last post of this seven day long challenge we have to write what we'll be writing in the future... now for someone who loves to live one day at the time and not make plans for the future this is gonna be hard. I can just point out in what direction I want to go. maybe. I think. guess this one is more for those who plan.
I would definitely love it if more people would be following and reading my blog. to do so I gotta make it more interesting. fun. arty as me. well it's already as I am. but perhaps it would do no harm if sometimes I rethink what I will put out there for everyone else to read.
I would love to point out some of the interesting sites and things I keep bumping into all over again. could go on and on.... but honestly I want to make a mark. I want to make people see me. feel me. I want someone else to tell me what I'm doing wrong. I wanna live my life and tell you about it. teach you about smiling and laughing and giving and crying. (teach you- like you don't already know...but I'm sure you don't see things as I do...so perhaps I do know some good tips I can teach you)
I would try to write more about creative things. things that make your imagination go wild. and force you to get your ass moving and making something creative. coz you all can be very creative. imaginative. funny. happy.
I will try to make people see my point of view. (I always wondered how it must sound - my language (slovenian or serbian) to some Englishman, it would be so interesting to know)
optimism. reality. creativity. art. photography.

the one thing I always wanted to do is to put some more photos - to have my own personal portfolio -photo album online. what better way to see my point of view than that :)
so... started new job. stressful. but my director keeps reminding me I gotta do everything with a smile. and she's so right. things are much easier even if you just make that grin...

"smiling is infectious you can catch it like a cold"



this post was written as the last part of the ‘Seven Day Blogging Challenge’.

Eeny, meeny, miny, moe

it would be about time to pay some tribute to one of my favorite authors, Mika - Miroslav Antić. yes, I know what you'll say. who the hell is that. specially those of you who don't understand Serbian language. but still I love his words. his poems. and it would be nice if you made some effort and discover some of his text in English - despite the fact that they'll never sound so perfectly as the do in Serbian but still. we all have read and keep reading many other authors that aren't English. so I see no difference here.

"Miroslav "Mika" Antić was a Serbian poet, movie director, journalist and painter.

He wrote poems, articles, dramas, movie and TV scripts and documentaries. As film-maker, he was considered as a part of the "Black Wave" of the Yugoslav film. He is well known as a bohemian. A master of delicate and gentle sentiments." - according to Wikipedia

I have some books of his poems and as I have this crazy way. I don't read them from beginning to the end. I just pick up a book and open it on the page I feel I need that very moment. so far it worked as a charm. always hits my soul and my heart. telling me exactly what I want to hear. or what I don't want to but I should.
here are some parts of his songs. just to get a glimpse of it all. it would be perfect if you learned Serbian and read it as it's written. translations are never like originals. (whenever I can find I read books in the language that they were written in. so much better)

"These are your poems. Don’t ask how I found out what you’re thinking. Maybe sometimes I was: you. Maybe sometimes you were also me a bit. Maybe together we were the world "

"I’m dragging around two empty eyes staring into faces of passerby.Who should I ask, hungry and wet,why have we never met?"

" Those who know the signs of thoughts, rarely use spoken language."

"I’m thinking someone else’s thoughts Stealing my own time Dragging it Between clouds, dreams, Distance and snow…"




this post was written as part of the ‘Seven Day Blogging Challenge’.

Damir Urban & Stjepan Hauser - Everybody Hurts REM (Hope for Haiti)

intense day. crowded. full house you could say. got home few hours ago. gotta go to a farewell party coz our friend from Malaysia is going back home.

came across my favorite singer Damir Urban singing an REM song everybody hurts accompanied by this really cool cello player Stjepan Hauser. both from Croatia. talented. I personally have been a fan of Urban for some time now. just recently heard of Stjepan Hauser. since him and another cello player recorded 'smooth criminal' - great thing as well. gotta see if you haven't already.

it says it's a video from a Christmas concert in Zagreb. great ambient of Croatian national theater. still in his early twenties, Croatian cellist Stjepan Hauser has already performed in the biggest venues in Europe, as the soloist with many major orchestras in country and abroad. outstanding performances in most European countries, South Africa, New Zealand and the USA, with sensational debuts in Wigmore Hall, Royal Albert Hall, Amsterdam Concertgebouw and South Bank Centre bear witness of his incomparable artistry.

Damir Urban released his first solo album in 1996, entitled Otrovna kiša (Poison Rain), to critical and commercial acclaim. the album produced hits such as "Astronaut", but the highlight of his career was yet to follow.
in 1998, he released Žena dijete (Woman-Child) to even greater critical and commercial acclaim, and the album spawned a string of number ones: "Mala truba", "Odlučio sam da te volim" and "Black Tattoo" (which features the Split hip-hop group The Beat Fleet) all received extensive airplay. he refused to receive the Porin (Croatia's equivalent to a Grammy) for the album, as it was nominated for best alternative album and Urban believed his album to be a rock album, therefore, he considered he would be stealing a prize from real alternative artists.

so, that's about it for today. two amazing people you should definitely check out and listen to and judge for yourself if you like them or not.

feels good to listen to them every time. all over again.



this post was written as part of the ‘Seven Day Blogging Challenge’.

I am the one and only...

this is a photo from my friend's room... my artist buddy... amazing illustrator and painter I just love her work. this is a part of her room where we hang out from time to time and drink tea and discus ideas and life and people and our work...it's a perfect surrounding. like you're back in hippie days... great music playing. good tea. some cool incense sticks smell. calm area to sit down and chill. and relax and create. just your thoughts and you. in silence. (despite the music it's peaceful, music kinda fits the silence) dimmed light coming from one roof window... perfection.I love to spend my time there. and this photo perfectly captures my friend. ;)

I love the feeling that room has. it's like you've entered a new space in time. art all over. makes you feel creative at once. and I love to spend time with this friend of mine. I need more people like her doing something that's far more important than all this material world we live in...
at the end of the line that's all it matters. the time you spend creating. discovering. loving. making a difference.

this photo is a perfect glimpse of what life should be like. colorful. full. inspiring. imaginative. amazing. happy. mysterious. it reminds me of a line from the movie Poison Ivy. (don't ask why, my mind has some interesting synonyms)

'I know you. not your name. but your game. come to me or I'll come to you.'

it's been a busy day at work and all. but still can't get that song out of my head. and this image and the feeling of all the creativity around me. it's perfect.

'I am the one and only. Nobody I'd rather be. I am the one and only. You can't take that away from me' by Chesney Hawkes: The One And Only



this post was written as part of the ‘Seven Day Blogging Challenge’.

I hate the world today

day3…now...to write about the same topic as my FAV post... don't really think I can. things are kinda different now. I've changed. things have changed. at the moment I don't feel like I felt when I wrote that...
but than again...the world hasn't changed... it's gone from bad to worse even. can't watch the news coz it makes me sad to see what kinda things are happening. and all that protesting in Egypt…. aren't governments there for the people? aren't they the ones that should stop and listen and understand that things have to change if they're not good.

as for the part I hated the world - back than when I wrote that post. that has changed as well. I understand now. well not understand. but I try to see different points of view on the situation that trouble me. and than I react.
I guess I grow… I learn…I adopt… I assimilate and soon enough I'll be a part of BORG… and will have collective mind… and wont't be able to think for myself. it seems our politicians wants us to become Borg… to be easily controled… manipulated…

on the other side…I don't hate the world coz I'm kinda in a state of mind that doesn't need that. maybe I'm back to my old optimistic self and hate to see myself looking at the world so negatively.
the only still valid reason why I hate the world is coz of some people… and the way they treat animals like they're just some objects to please us. too often people forget that animals have feelings just like we do…they understand everything…and I can't understand how people can just decide and give away their pets… to me that's like giving away someone from your family… and I don't think neither of them would give away their child or brother… but when it comes to animals it's easy…so, yes on that part – I do hate the world.



this post was written as part of the ‘Seven Day Blogging Challenge’.

who's the person I keep writing about

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now this one is hard. answer one question I think people visiting my blog may have. tried to think what I would like to know... but than that's not the same.
so...I guess people would wonder who I am... but since I've already kinda answered that in my previous post...the second one that comes to my mind is this...


the person I keep writing about is my EX. smart. funny. interesting. SEO specialist. company owner. virgo. beautiful mind. sensitive. very sensitive. puts reason ahead of feelings lately. thinks the distances between us are unreachable. (4 hour drive with a car) intelligent. loves good food. used to love me. now he doesn't know I exist. used to talk to me for hours every single day. now can't find time or reason to write one word to me. used to mean the world to me. now I'm figuring out how not to think about him.(now that's not entirely true. I love to think about him despite everything) when it comes to me he thinks love is something you decide not to do anymore and you end it with ignorance. he loves to ignore me. but still I think he's all those things I used to love about him. sweet. amazing. loving. caring. has the most beautiful blue eyes in the world. he just doesn't know how to handle me. I guess I'm too much for him. I was good limited time offer. now I am some stranger trying to get in his way.

that's who I write about. that's who makes me write about my emotions. my feelings. my dreams. my horrors. my lies. my weakest moments. that's who makes my world shift from rainbow to dark. that's the guy. Mario. cute little thing. whose simple life has no place for me. we are so different. I believe in unconditional love. if I love you – I love you. if I don't – I don't. no middle way. no hidden facts. but that's my problem (?). when I learn to think like him I'll be fine. and labeled. and I will know how to STOP love.


this post was written as part of the ‘Seven Day Blogging Challenge’.

going once...

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so here we go. doing a challenge Andrew started. first post.the one that that didn't came like the others, this one was made for a reason (now I demolish my past posts like they have no reason....but they do...but still...this one is different) I'll challenge myself to do this. to make my blog a (one week long) routine?! still I've been discovering lately that maybe I do need some routine in my life. MAYBE.

me. myself and I.... I am bili. one little complicated person that can't live without words and communication. started this blog as an assignment for my English class. than it grew up to be more of my personal journal. place to free my hart. place to show myself to the world. my friends would say I'm an artist. I would avoid labels. we're all just humans (more or less) different. unique. crazy. wicked. boring even. we all try to do the best we can.
despite my gloomy moods I am in love with life and traveling and music and photography and sun and the rain and green fields and black night. maybe I'm hiding behind all this. maybe I'm just trying to show someone (I keep loosing) who I am. I am my words. my photographs. my friends. my lies.

the differences in all of us makes us special. the things I write about. the header that includes photo of a drawing I did on my wall. to my thoughts that I put out there for someone else to find. to feel. to understand. I'm trying to understand myself through this. discovering my emotions. my reactions.

I wanna make this blog useful. for someone else beside me. wanna try and make it count. help even. so you are the privileged ones (now whether or not this is a good thing) I show my weaknesses to. but as much as I write down. there's so much more you'll never know.

"words are meaningless and forgettable" - Depeche mode-enjoy the silence -

time

Just found out about this blog awhile ago... already LOVE IT! :)
Resolutions. Ideas. Plans. Thoughts. Dreams. Ambitions. Imagination.

I always get so pissed on people who use their JOB as an excuse for LIFE. Just the other day, my dear friend... we were discussing a present for another friend of ours...and I said to her that she should think about what we should buy... and she says... I'm too busy with work and all I don't have time to think...

What a sad life you got than... when you don't even have time to think... what is the point of your life... to get up, go to work..bitch about work all day long... and still work the same job you bitch about...and repeat that every day...
is that what I want my life to be like?

I don't think so. Even I keep complaining about lots of things lately. To myself of course. I don't like to bother people with my stuff. I learned how to speak about what bothers me...once. Long time ago. But kinda lost that idea now. Kinda lost that trust feeling I had back than.

Life should be about enjoying it. About tasting the rain as it falls down on you. About smelling the roses you pass. About listening to the sound of your voice when you sing. About daydreaming. About thinking impossible things. About discussing amazing theories. About sharing your life with someone you love. About loving yourself.
It shouldn't be about your JOB and your bragging about how you got no time. Coz frankly if you don't have time. What good are you? It's up to you how you're gonna live your life. It's up to you to leave your work at the office. Not taking it home. Time passes. We are just a glimpse of it all...
And you always have time. You just gotta take it.

possibilities

some stranger(you'd say) keeps convincing me I am a better person and that I deserve more. and after you've been hearing that over and over again you can't help but start believing it's true.
I love the message on this pic. break the impossible down into possibilities.I might just do that. it's about time I go back to being me. to follow me. to listen to me.
I'll try not to make this one just fit onto my new years resolution list... but actually live by it. :) it's funny but this year...I (the holiday cliche freak) didn't have any of that yaaaay it's new years enthusiasm like years before...
I made myself believe I was lonely. but how can you be lonely with such good friends...

so people happy new year! have fun! fall in love! do crazy things! and don't just blindly follow the crowd! :)